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Bummer's Monthly Musings

Bummer, who's an ABATE institution, writes one of the most widely read articles in the Outspokin' each month. Now he's also right here on the web! Welcome to the Computer Age, Bummer! ~ Enjoy!



 April 2004



She had a look about her that was illegal in most states; tall, blonde and sleazy. And she could do things that  there werenít even names for!  In other words I thought I was in love....or was it lust?  Sometimes itís so hard to tell the difference.

She was waitressiní tables in an all night truck stop by the interstate when I first met her.  We flirted with each other [I wasnít too awful ugly before I got old and fat] as I had a late night breakfast, then I headed out to the bike. From where it sat we could see each other through the window and after I kicked it over I motioned for her to join me....and damned if she didnít do just that!  She took off her apron, threw it down, yelled something to her boss and apparently walked right off the job!

Her name was Tammy but I gave her the nickname "Trouble" Ďcause I knew thatís just what sheíd be, and I was right.

That first night we rode Ďtil dawn, returning to my place where we explored each otherís uh....minds.  The more we talked the more I liked what I heard.  She seemed to be the answer to everything I was lookiní for, and that alone made me suspicious.

That weekend passed in a haze and Monday afternoon as I got ready to go to work I thought, íThis is gonna be cool to come home to.  Been a while since I had a house mouse.í "I should be home shortly after mid-night tonight, you wild thing! If ya have any problems call me at this number!" I yelled to her as I scribbled down my work number, grabbed my things and walked out the door whistlinĎ.

All night as I worked I kept thinking of her.  Shortly before my regular shift was over my boss told me that it was mandatory that I work overtime two hours. I called Tammy, but it just rang and rang. Figuring she was in the shower I just expanded my train of thought. ĎCould this be the one? My soul mate?  Is this gonna make up for all the nights spent prowling bars only to be disappointed by the sad, baggage burdened souls I found there?í

By the time I was finished for the night I had convinced myself that this woman was a jewel.  She was a flawless gemstone put on earth for the Bummerís pleasure and sustenance. I so deserved this. Never again would I be alone! Sheíd soothe my aching heart and soul with gentle tenderness.  I mean, she gave up her career just to be with me!! Hell, the woman was into beiní handcuffed!!  We even both dran Yukon!  What more does a relationship need?

As I hurried home and turned the bike onto my road I could see flashing lights in the distance. 







Bummer's Shootin' the Breeze Page!

Upon release she began waitressing in one truck stop after another all over the country traveling the interstate highway system. I use the word "waitress" generously. My shining star began to lose some of her shine! This woman had more baggage than a moving van!

After I had lent her my car numerous times I learned that she didnít have a driverís license it expired while she was in prison and she never renewed it. One night in a bar I noticed that she insisted on sitting so she could watch everyone who entered. This was the night I learned that she had numerous warrants for her arrest in various states for all kinds of stuff. She was probably the most illegal person I ever met, and Iíve known quite a few.

As Iím sure youíll agree life isnít always fair. Some poor folks just have bad luck and Iíve always prided myself on allowing for this fact before I judge others. Unfortunately some people become victims of their environment. Such was the case with Tammy. Prison taught her to use people. The legal system taught her mistrust.

One night as I entered the living room she was on the phone making plans to go to Virginia. When she hung up she turned to me and said, "I think I should be heading on honey. My kidís dad just got a new job and wants to work things out."


íThatís right! I forgot to tell ya I had a daughter."

"You forgot?"

"Well, ya never asked."

Part of me was sad, but part of me was very relieved too. I think itís safe to say that the "relationship" had run itís course in those few weeks.

One thing I can say about her though: She never took anything I didnít want to give gladly, which is more than I can say about a few of the other women Iíve known.

The day I took her to the truck stop I tried to give her some money but she wouldnít take it. "Bum, youíve been real good to me and itís been fun. I have everything I need and my ex is gonna pick me up here in a few hours.  Like the old song says, letís just kiss and say goodbye."

As I fired up the scoot and pulled away from the parking lot I couldnít help but smile at the thought of her cuffed to that pole.  I hope things finally turned out well for her.


 That's me, dammit!~Watch here for next month's installment!



"Huh," I said to myself, "Looks like the neighbors have a problem. Wait!  Theyíre at MY house!!  What the %$#&??!!!!"

I rode into my front yard and parked the scoot as I scanned the police cruiser, ambulance and fire truck. The neighbors stood on their front porch in night clothes staring as I hurried to the house.

"Hey Harry! Go get the bolt cutters behind the spare in the trunk of the cruiser!" came from downstairs as I passed an officer while entering. íBolt cutters?í I wondered as I hurried down the steps.

Now, my house is a split level and downstairs to the left of my living room is my bar. I used to manage a tavern a long time ago so I had plenty of signs and lights. A friend installed a plywood drum platform in the corner so the drummer in a band I used to be in wouldnít slide all over the cement floor when we practiced. When the band broke up I put a brass pole in the center of the platform for obvious reasons. Crowded around the brass pole was a few emergency techs, a cop, two firemen and a naked former truck stop waitress.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOINí ON HERE?" I screamed in terror. It seemed like all the emergency personnel of Newton Falls was on their knees in my bar!

Tammy only looked at me in embarrassment as the cop asked, "Are you Mr. Baldwin?"

"Yes?" I answered as a question.

"I thought you were gonna be home long ago!  Iíve been cuffed to this pole for hours!" cried Tammy.

"Your neighbors heard her screaming sir and called us. The ambulance and fire personnel came just in case." said the cop with a smirk as I ran to get a bathrobe for her and a handcuff key.

After they all left Tammy wrapped a warm, wet cloth around her wrists and sat on the couch to explain.

"I was gonna surprise you." she started with a sob. "I waited Ďtil it was almost midnight.  Thatís when you said youíd be home!"

"Iím sorry but I had to work over! Why didnít you call when I didnĎt show? I left ya my number!"

She just looked at me like I was the DUMBEST person on earth.

Over the coming weeks I learned Tammyís story. She was raised in Georgia and became a dancer in Atlanta. A drug bust sent her to prison where she learned to scam lonely men into sending her money and presents.




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