Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc.


August 2007

    The facilities of Buffalo Hollow were donated for my and Julie’s wedding by O.T. Beight, Region Zero’s director, who also has donated many bucks out of his own pocket and much of his personal time to ABATE on both the local and state levels. I just thought I’d mention this because I think his contributions have been overlooked for far too long.

    I also think that sometimes in this organization too much emphasis is placed on personal egos and agendas, and the big picture is overshadowed by petty bickering and finger pointing. The quality of any officer should be based on their honesty and integrity, what he or she can bring into this organization and how they perform their duties, not whether or not they win a popularity contest or if they’re good at selling themselves to the members. THAT nonsense is for the politicians we’re forced to deal with.

    On August 10, 11 and 12, OT’s bringing in national recording artists “The Outlaws” and 9 other bands to Buffalo Hollow for the annual Biker Bash. He’ll donate a percentage of the proceeds to ABATE of Ohio Inc. and, as in the past, the name ABATE will be featured prominently on television and radio paid for by him out of his own pocket.

    Now, moving on:     I walked into the lounge of the “Home” a friend of mine named Pappy lives in and saw him sitting at a computer typing away furiously with his two index fingers. I stood behind him for a moment and looked over his shoulder to read:

    “Orbs, Doo Dads, Brown Nosed Sweater Puppies, Garbonzos, Boobage, Bazookas, Bazongos, Itty Bittys, Jugs, Jigglers, Knockers, Bodacious Ta Tas, Love Melons, Doorknobs, Bouncers, Cupcakes, Headlights, Hooters, Chesticles, Honkers, Mounds, The Rack, Rackage, Starter Buttons, Zonkers, Peepers, Bumpers, Feed Bags, Lungs, Love Pillows, Balloons,”

    “PAPPY! What in the HELL are you doing?! Have ya finally gone INSANE?!”         He just casually looked up and said, “Oh. Hi Bummer. What’s goin’ on?”     “What’s goin’ on??? You freaking out in the ‘Dirty Old Man’ department is what’s goin’ on! What exactly are you doing?”         “I’m trying to come up with a few words.”     “I can see that! The obvious question is WHY?”         “It gets REAL boring around here sometimes. The head nurse made a complaint to the management when I told her she had a nice set of you know whats. They said I had to stop using that word, or any word that isn’t acceptable for public use. I thought I was paying her a compliment she’d appreciate! I mean the woman is probably ten years older than I am, and I’m older than dirt! Instead she started yelling that I was a foul-mouthed old man and I should have been neutered long ago. Which in turn set into motion sort of a nightly tradition here. She says bad things to me ABOUT me every night at bedtime and I say GOOD things to her about her. It REALLY pisses her off. I think I might start telling her how nice her butt is next.”     “The idea behind telling a woman how nice she looks, no matter how ya say it, is sorta like flirting with her.”         “Don’t be ridiculous! But, on the other hand maybe she agrees with ya and THAT’S why she gets mad. I never thought of it that way.”

    “Maybe she just thinks you’re getting too personal with her.”
        “Too personal? The woman takes care of my bodily functions when I’m sick!”
    “Well that’s her JOB Pappy! That doesn’t mean she’s willing to let ya get close to her. Think of her like ya would a stripper…just a woman tryin’ to make a living.”
        “Yer saying I should treat the head of our nursing department with the same respect I’d treat a stripper?”

    I had to think about that for a second before I replied,
    “Well, yes. I guess I am. We’ve both been around exotic dancers enough to know to keep yer hands off and yer mouth shut. Only a low class BOY acts any different. All I’m saying is maybe ya better lay off her for a while. Besides, I really don’t want ya knockin’ on MY door ‘cause ya got yerself tossed outta here.”
        “OH! All right.”

    He then sat back in his chair and stewed on that for a minute before he completely changed the subject and asked, “So, how’s the bike running?”
    “Good. Had a sensor acting up and I had to take it to Mickey’s so’s he could put it on his diagnostic machine. I miss the days when bikes didn’t have “Check Engine” lights. If the bike wasn’t right somehow, ya could tell by the way it was running. Mine was running great! Just that damned light kept coming on.”
        “We used to call ‘em ‘Idiot’ lights’ on cars ‘cause they were for idiots who couldn’t keep their car running properly. Are you an idiot Bummer?”
    “Hey! Like I said, it was running great! I coulda saved some bucks by just disconnecting the battery for a few minutes and erasing the computer, but I wanted to know exactly what was goin’ on with it. That light has been goin’ on and off since last Fall.”
        “Well, what was it?”
    “Remember when I layed it down ‘cause the ass-end slid around on me at a stop sign in the rain last October? The front wheel braked on a dry spot, but the rear wheel braked on a section of fresh tar on which the rain formed a puddle of water. I didn’t even get a scratch on the bike, but apparently there’s some sort of mercury switch/sensor called a ‘Tip Over’ switch that caused the computer to keep telling me to check the engine. So it started lighting up every now and then. That’s all it was.”
        “And how much did that cost ya?”
    “Too much. But at least now I know what it was. The thing is, I wouldn’t have known without a diagnostic machine…..Well, I gotta git goin’. I just stopped by to see how yer doin’ and to make sure yer not causing TOO much trouble. You take it easy.”
        “OK Bummer, see ya later.”

    And as I stood up to leave he started typing again. After I put on my coat and gloves, and before I turned to walk away, I looked over his shoulder to read:
    “Bottom, Caboose, Buns, Arse, Bench Warmer, Buttocks, Backside, Can, Hind End, Bum, Keister, Rump, Tail, Tooshie, Booty, Tush, Heiney, Rear Bumper, Stern Wheeler, Fanny, Posterior, Behind, Seat….........“


Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc. today, and receive "Shootin the Breeze" in your OUTSPOKIN' magazine every month !!!