Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc.


January 2006

     Happy New Year!
  I hope everyone out there is doin' fine and didn't party and feast TOO much over the
  I know that every Thanksgiving and Christmas I eat too much and every New Year's Eve
I drink too much. On Easter I gorge on too much chocolate and on the Fourth of July I 
eat too many hot dogs.  It seems that on every holiday I do everything just too damned 
MUCH!  If I was Catholic I might pay attention to Lent, but even though I'm not, I still
celebrate Fat Tuesday and party too much and I've never even been to Mardis Gras!! I'm
not Irish, but on St. Patrick's Day I drink way too much green beer! On Halloween I
intentionally buy too many candy bars just so I can eat the left overs!  Give me any
excuse to have a party and over indulge, and I will. Someday I'm gonna grow up and start
acting my age....Yeah, Right! 
   But one thing that I do in moderation is I don't absorb too much Christmas tree. Ya know
there's a state law that says ya hafta have yer Christmas tree taken down after the 1st of
the year. At least that's what I tell everyone. There's nothing quite so pathetic as an 
expired Christmas tree.  It's like the left over turkey carcass...something that's served
it's purpose and now is cold and ugly.  One year long ago I left a cut tree standing until
all the needles fell off.  Now THAT was ugly!  Took over three months to get that effect
goin'. But it WAS artistic.  A true work of art that just screamed out despair!  I finally
got rid of it when I couldn't take it anymore.  After that I promised myself THAT would never
happen again.
   As this new year dawns I think it's appropriate to share with ya'll another list of Bummer's
New Year's resolutions.  Yes, it's THAT time again brothers and sisters!  It always makes me
feel good to make these promises to myself, even if I really don't have any realistic
expectations to keep 'em.  They're just fun to make.  And it always makes me FEEL like I'm
accomplishing something.
  I have the ability [due to my short AND long term memory loss] to selectively forget them
when necessary.
     But for now let me relish the feeling of constructive intent:
     1.  I promise to pay more attention to my diet.  I'm gonna eat less junk and more healthy
foods, and if I slip I will exercise more, and if I don't actually exercise I will at least think
about it.....and if I forget to think about it I will at least....uh, what was I talking about?

     2.  I will hang up on Curly next time he calls me at 3:30 IN THE DAMNED MORNING to ask me
who did the song, "Smoke From A Distant Fire" in the 70's.

     3.  I will never again flirt with any woman who's with a guy named Mad Dog.

     4.  I'll TRY to stop watching Law and Order on TV.  [When I was still working at the plant
I was on afternoon turn, so these shows are all new to me.  On my satellite dish they're on like
20 times a day!]

     5.  I will quit asking every woman I see for a t&t$ least strangers!

     6.  I will start keeping a list of tools I loan people and include their names and
when they borrowed them.

     7.  I will quit giving Curly's  name and phone number to every telemarketer who calls,
 then tell them, "Now I know HE would be interested!"

     8.  I will keep avoiding gravel.

     9.  I will work on my tendancy to lose it whenever I talk about rap music.

     And finally:

     10. I will try NOT to mention to everyone I see that I'm retired.  At least I won't
laugh while they bitch about their jobs.  And if I smile I'll try to discretely hide it.
And if I forget to hide it I'll at least quickly change the subject to something funny,
THEN laugh my ass off.

     Well, I think I can live with these.  Bring on the NEW YEAR!!

 PS.....If yer wondering who did that song from #2, it's The Sanford Townsend Band.

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