Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc.

2008 Columns

January '08
February '08
March '08
April '08
May '08
June '08

2007 Columns

January '07
February '07
March '07
April '07
May '07
June '07
July '07
August '07
September 07
October '07
November '07
December '07

2006 Columns

January '06
February '06
March '06
April '06
May '06
June '06
July '06
August '06
September '06
October '06
November '06
December '06

July 2008

    I’ve never thought of myself as being particularly patriotic. In fact ya might say that I’ve had a history of rebelling against anything that even remotely resembled patriotism in the old days. But like most people, the events of 9/11 changed all that. Actually, to be honest, my thinking started to change a few years prior to that when my sons signed up to become career military lifers. Much discussion with Jason (the oldest) and Ben (the youngest) made me realize that both my boys were devoted to our flag and what it stands for, and that in turn made ME re-think a few things. It was a matter of the sons teaching the father. 9/11 just opened my eyes further and brought it all home to make it personal.

    My feelings about this war are so confused that even I don’t know exactly where I stand, and I think I’ve made that evident in a few past columns. But one thing IS certain, and that’s that I’ve ALWAYS respected, and was thankful for, our men and women in uniform.

    This Fourth of July I hope we can try to make special note of these fine young men and women who are willing to stand post and literally put themselves on the line for our benefit. Without being too dramatic, the fate of the world as we know it could rest in their hands.

    Now, on to other thoughts….
    Last night I couldn’t sleep so I did what just about anyone would do under the same circumstances these days: I turned on the TV. There was a time, not too long ago, that when I couldn’t sleep I would have grabbed a book and settled in for an enjoyable hour or two of letting my eyelids grow heavy as I nodded off and slid into a deep, relaxing sleep. But lately, as I’ve grown lazier in every way (including brain-wise) I’ve been opting to do what everybody else does and just turned on the good old boob tube…literally!

    For some years now I’ve been noticing an infomercial called “Girls Gone Wild”. How could I not? The commercials run all night on some channels and fill the screen with portrayals of hot young girl after hot young girl exposing themselves right there on my TV in front of God and everybody! An announcer explains how their crew rides on some kind of tour bus that travels across the states visiting flashy youth oriented bars encouraging young women to get drunk, get crazy and show off just about everything they got. How vile and disgusting!!

    Now, I know yer not gonna believe this, but my first thoughts whenever I see these trashy commercials (and I keep seeing them over and over and over and over again) is, ‘What would these girls’ PARENTS think?’ I mean, you just KNOW that sooner or later these girls’ parents are gonna be sitting in their living room watching TV and all of a sudden, right there on the TV, in full living color, is their daughter Mary Jane and her friends smiling, yelling, “WHOO HOO!” and joyously yanking up their shirts!.........
        “What is it dear?”
        “Come in here and look at this! I think I just saw Mary Jane on TV!”
        “What did you say?”
        “OH MY GOD!! It IS Mary Jane!! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING!!!”
        “Oh my goodness gracious!”
        “We spent big bucks to make sure she could go on spring break with all her rich college friends and now she’s on the F&%$#@G TV showing her T$%S!!! What the Hell is everyone gonna think? .... STOP CRYING WOMAN!!”

    To tell the truth, even when I was younger I wasn’t REALLY into the YOUNG chicks as much as I was into MATURE women (my woman Julie really appreciates this particular aspect of my assorted perversions). Anyway, all this got me to thinking and I came up with a plan….

    What if someone sorta borrowed that idea and instead, went for the MATURE woman? We could make a fortune!! We could travel the country on bikes video-taping it all and get ridiculously rich!! It could be called, “WOMEN Gone Wild” and would feature hot biker women doing what only biker women do best! At least full grown adult WOMEN might not worry as much if their parents see the TV commercial for it. I mean, go ahead and admit it….ADULT women’s parents might even get a kick out of it. If nothing else it WOULD be a funny trick to pull on the old folks!......................
        “What is it dear?”
        “Come in here and look at this! I think I just saw Mary on TV!”
        “What did you say?”
        “Look. There’s our Mary on TV and she’s showing her boobs. Isn’t that funny?”
        “I see those new implants really lifted those babies up. I wonder where Tom and the kids are.”
        “I don’t know, but I can’t wait until the guys on my bowling league see this. Ha ha ha.”
    Now, isn’t this version a lot better?

    As I write this month’s column (since I have a two month deadline) the June Jam hasn’t happened yet, so ya might have seen me and Julie roaming the Jam with our video camera (if that makes any kind of sense to you). Hopefully we can begin an effort to present MATURE women on film in a festive light. I WOULD also like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the husbands out there we might have pissed off and hope you didn’t do anything that would have landed me in the hospital. To all you mature women out there, If I AM in the hospital, feel free to send me a get well photo showing your T$%S. I’d appreciate it (cough cough, gasp gasp).


Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc. today, and receive "Shootin the Breeze" in your OUTSPOKIN' magazine every month !!!