Shootin’ the Breeze
not tellin’ her!”
I’m certainly not gonna do it! She’s your
she’s your sister!”
right, and I know I’m not tellin her!”
just leaned against the bike smilin’ while Joe and Clancy
argued over who was gonna break the news to Judy.
see, Joe and Clancy had a card party at Joe and Judy’s
house while Judy was visitin’ her mom and it kinda got out
of hand. One of
the guys playin’ cards that night took it upon himself to
bring a dancin’ girl for entertainment and as the night
progressed the house got trashed, the neighbors called the
police and someone ran over Judy’s cat with his bike.
I’ve known Judy for a long time and I knew she wouldn’t
mind the dancer, the house could be fixed up good as new,
and who the hell cares about the neighbors? The problem is that
don’t hate cats, in fact I’ve eaten Chinese often. Sweet and sour cat
is one of my favorites.
When I used to live out in the sticks I had a number
of cats and was thrilled to see what they’d bring home. Actually, cats
usually make more sense to own then most pets because they
do catch mice and any other critters ya might find in yer
house or garage.
thing that gets me though is people think cats are so cuddly
and sweet when in reality they’re the most vicious animals
on earth. It
goes without saying that if we were smaller than that
snuggly cat on yer lap, you’d be the afternoon’s
entertainment as the cat tortured and played with ya until
it got bored, then it would finally kill and eat you, your
kids and every other living thing it could catch and
torment....In a word they’re evil.
And they’re so snotty! A dog greets ya at
the door and acts like the stupid animal he is, lickin’
yer hand and beggin’ ya to take him out to throw a stick
or a ball. Then
he fetches it and begs ya to do it again! Talk about obsessive
behavior! But a
cat? They just
look at ya like yer something less than a jerk and roll over
to go back to sleep.
live surrounded by cornfields and every winter the mice from
the fields decide to move in and investigate my cupboards. I buy traps and
attempt rodent genocide every year, but the little suckers
drive me nuts. I
often wonder whether I win the battle, or they just decide
to move back out for the spring.
After climbing all
over the the barn, the barn’s hayloft and going through
all the outbuildings we found the cat under a tractor, but
couldn’t get near it.
Being a farm cat, it wasn’t used to people, in fact
I doubt anyone has ever held it in it’s life. Mr. Cat spent his
days chasin’ mice, drinking fresh [and I do mean fresh]
milk and abusing the farmer’s dog. Now a bunch of
bikers wanna take him away from all that and he wanted no
part of it.
with numerous cuts and scratches we finally got the beast
stuffed into Joe’s saddlebags and headed for home. I could actually
hear it screamin’ over the sound of the bikes! The cat was not a
leather as protection he got the animal in the house and
decided to give it a bath before Judy got home. A few band aids and
lotsa peroxide later Joe released him and the cat
immediately climbed behind the stove and started
crying.....what a racket! I went into the living room and put “Cat Scratch
Fever” by Ted Nugent on the stereo as Joe freaked out.
Judy came home and asked, “What’s wrong with Sheba?”
asked Joe in a whisper, “Is this supposed to be a girl
cat?” and Joe replied, “I never paid attention.”
is a girl cat’s name you jackass!”, then to Judy, “I
think yer cat is a boy Judy.”
“Sheesh! I always thought it
was a girl! I
just asssumed since I didn’t see any...you
know......Isn’t that funny?”
feel bad, I used to have a rooster I thought was a chicken! Ask Clancy about it
lots of laughs we pried the boy cat named Sheba from behind
the stove and Joe ended up takin’ it to the vet. Judy thought the
thing had distemper or something ‘cause it tore up the
furniture and never did get used to a litterbox. As far as I know she
never found out.
ya get tired of hearin’ this but don’t forget to watch
out for chuckholes in the roads and loose, fine gravel
especailly on the corners.
Snowplows often leave a triangle of the stuff right
in the middle of yer turns.
Spring is probably the most dangerous time of year
for us for many reasons; the main one bein’ car drivers
who have to get used to seein’ bikes again. Please don’t be a
statistic for the damned insurance companies.
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winter I found a chipmunk nest in my saddlebags in the
garage and the little bastards chewed a hole through the
times like these I consider gettin’ a cat. A big old mean
tomcat to guard my home from vermin. Then I remember the
scratched up furniture, the faint but unmistakable smell of
feline urine and that time during the 60’s when I sorta
imagined being chased around by a six foot pussy cat.
and Clancy were arguin’
like crazy when I softly told ‘em I had the
solution to the problem.
her another cat.”
just looked at me like I was stupid and said, “She loves
that cat! Another
wouldn’t be the same.”
her one that looks just like it. It was all
black..There’s plenty of black cats out there. She’ll never know
the difference. All
cats act like cats”
agreed but Joe was still kinda doubtful. “I’ve been
married to her for ten years and I’ve never been able to
put anything over on her before.”
“Oh yeah? What
about that time at Chillicothe when you...”
OK!! But I
still think this is a bad idea!”
you can always tell her the truth.”
thing ya know we’re on the phone calling every shelter and
pound in the area lookin’ for black cats. They seemed to be
like cops. Ya
see ‘em everywhere but when ya need one they’re at the
Donut House or somethin’.
We did find a few, but they either weren’t entirely
black or were too old or young. Finally we called a
farmer I know and was referred to someone who probably had
one. We got
hold of ‘em and went to go look at it.
rolled into a farm about twenty miles away and tried to
convince a little old lady that we had honorable intentions
regarding the cat.
not gonna use it in some devil worship are ya?”
“No! It’s for my
heard about how some people sacrifice cats and do all kinds
of things....especially black cats.”
woman made us say the Lord’s Prayer before she’d even
let us look at it. When
Clancy screwed up a few of the words I had a hard time
convincing her he wasn’t a godless heathen savage. Finally she accepted
the fact that he was just a common idiot and let us look at