Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

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March 2008

    I was watching one of the most important films of the 20th century the other night, ”Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man”, and in it somebody yells to a crowd of excited villagers, “This monster was created artificially! It must be destroyed by the same means!” I thought, ‘Now, what the Hell does THAT mean?’ It made me pause to think how so often such idiotic statements are made and we don’t even realize it, probably because we’re not really paying attention....Like, “Another similar product could cost you up to $99 and more!”… HUH?? I’m still baffled by what the phrase “Artificial Ingredients” might mean [they’re not really ingredients?].

    We’re so used to movies, commercials, corporations and the government being so full of rhetorical BS that we’re not even surprised when we realize that most of what they’re saying doesn’t even make sense. It’s just plain sad that most politicians talk to the public the same way.

    In past elections I’ve been pretty consistent in voting for losers simply because I’ve tried to vote for those who speak plainly to the voting public. I’m sure that’s why they lose….they take a clear stand on an issue, while the ones who win just let the voters THINK they’re saying the things they want to hear. I campaigned for George McGovern way back in ‘72 and of course he lost. I voted for the independent candidate Ross Perot and even thought he might have a chance, but of course he didn’t. Once I even voted for George Carlin and immediately regretted throwing my vote away just to send a message that was never even heard. I DIDN’T vote for Jimmy Carter just because he was a Baptist minister and HE turned out to be one of the best damned presidents we ever had! Hell, even his brother was a hoot! If I was a candidate the last thing I’d want is for Bummer to vote for me because his choices NEVER win.

    This is why I don’t gamble, except to make the occasional 50/50 or raffle donation. Hell, every now and then I think about buying a lottery ticket just because I get it in my head that since I never buy them, I might actually win that zillion dollar jackpot and I can publicly laugh at all those who buy them every week. Then I realize the REASON I don’t buy lottery tickets….the odds are so much against ya.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I’m not a lucky guy. I’ve managed to talk a great looking, intelligent woman into being Mrs. Bummer [My God, she treats me like a king!}. I managed to retire from a good job without getting my ass fired. I’m not in jail, the hospital or rehab as I write this. I just can’t seem to pick a political candidate, a racehorse, or a consistently winning football team (Yes, I’m a Browns fan).

    I think to be a winner at everything would be a bore anyway. Like, how exciting would it be to win at everything you do? What would stimulate you into even leaving your house every morning if it was a foregone conclusion that every thing you did that day would turn out great? Wouldn’t that just get to be so damned BORING?

    We often read of wealthy “celebrities” who just can’t seem to handle their prosperity [I mean, look at Michael Jackson - THE poster boy for wasted opportunity and abundance]. Throughout history the wealthy and the powerful sooner or later do get kinda weird. To be honest, if I were suddenly rich I’d probably start feeling guilty because there’s so many people in real need. The first thing I’d probably have to do is hire somebody to take care of my bucks before I gave it all away or started spending it on dumb shit. We always hear about lottery winners who blow it all on stuff like leather covered Cadillacs and bad habits. Back in the ‘70s I saw a T-shirt that read, “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you have too much money!”.

    And how much do you really need anyway before it becomes a hassle? The LAST thing I’d want is to have the paparazzi going through my garbage, peeking in my windows and following me around taking pictures. I’d be in jail before I completed my first lap around the track!! We’re all moral contortionists, which is to say we adapt our morality to fit the capacity of our indulgences. Give anybody endless bucks, THEN see how righteous they are.

    Most of us do SOME things we don’t want the world to know about. I mean admit it, we ALL gotta pick our noses sometimes [did I just say that out loud?]. Probably the worst thing you can do to someone is make them go out onto a stage or to be on a TV talk show, then force them to talk about themselves for an extended period of time. It wouldn’t take long before they started saying things they wish they wouldn’t have said. Hell, I’d regret some of the things I’ve written about in past columns if I wasn’t such an idiot.

    And sometimes we do things with long reaching effects we later wish we wouldn’t have done. I have an old riding buddy named Popcorn, and I remember one day he decided that it might be a good idea to get a tattoo. He was WAY drunk and when he woke up the next morning he looked in the mirror and found out why his headache was worse than his usual hangover and why his head was all bandaged up: He had a naked woman riding a Harley with her head thrown back in obvious ecstasy tattooed across the entire top of his skull. He wore a hat until some of his hair grew back, but I saw him the other day and his hair is gettin’ thin enough that a comb over just ain’t gettin’ it.

    Just remember: A wise man once said, “Into everyone’s life some rain must fall”. Not sure if it was Shakespeare, Bob Dylan, the bible or Bill Clinton. But let’s take old Bill for an example: He was the temporary king of the most powerful nation on Earth and look what HE got busted for! See what “Celebrity” does for ya? Talk about yer poor dumbasses! And sometimes that rain actually DUMPS on ya. AND it can seem to go ON dumping!! Now Bill might end up being the betrayed “First Lady” while Hillary puts HER presidential cigars in odd places! But sooner or later things always seem to lighten up and eventually the sun shines through. Either that or ya die.

    “Keep on Smilin’” - Wet Willie,

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