Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

Join ABATE of Ohio,Inc.


November 2006

    Recently I’ve been seeing a TV commercial for car insurance that uses the phrase, “Live to drive and drive to live” in it. Now, I can understand the driving to live part. A lot of us are commercial drivers and ALL of us need to drive to work, to buy food etc. What I can’t understand is who lives to drive a car except teenagers? And teenagers are the LAST people insurance companies want as customers. I guess this just shows once again that everybody wants to be a biker even if they don’t necessarily want to ride a bike.

    I went to my county ABATE meeting the other day and our regional and county legislative director, Lionman, told us of his attending a meeting in D.C. where various concerned organizations and individuals discussed motorcycle safety. It always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I think of all the attention given to the way I dress and ride my motorcycle. It’s just too bad the people most concerned about me are assholes.

    Many numbers were thrown around with pie charts and even video footage that showed most bike crashes [they intentionally chose not to use the word “accident” because accidents are preventable] were single vehicle incidents. In other words apparently “most” crashes result from riders just flying off the road, running into telephone poles and falling down for no apparent reason. It was stressed that crashes resulting from other vehicles running into bikes were not significant. In fact the right of way legislation that we’ve been focusing on should not be considered as important as our own lack of riding skill and ability. Oddly enough instead of even mentioning accident prevention or rider and driver education they zeroed in on protective clothing and safer motorcycles.

    The meeting went on to showcase new and inventive safety ideas on how we might be better protected from our own ineptitude. These included among other things an inflatable vest [as in air bag] and a new bike model that has an airbag built onto the handlebars and top of the tank.

    All this got me to thinking and I made a suggestion, first in jest, then the more I thunk about it the more it made sense. Since ABATE has been looking for new and inventive ways to fund this organization here’s what we can do: first we drop all opposition to helmet legislation. Then we patent an inflatable headband [as in airbag]. Next we focus our attention on legislation that allows our headband airbag to be considered a viable and legal helmet [DOT approved]. We can offer these headband gizmos in various styles and colors including a very nifty one with flames and the slogan, “Ride To Live/Live To Ride”. We’d make a killing ‘cause our headband gizmos would have the added benefit of protecting the wearer whenever they get smacked in the head by their spouse, in a bar fight or whatever. AND they’d have to be replaced often [can you imagine the look on someone’s face the first time they smack ya and your headband explodes yer head into a balloon? We can even put smiley faces on ‘em! Or better yet, monsters! That’ll scare the crap out of ‘em and they’d run away screaming!].

    Of course since I doubt that an organization such as ours could actually hold a patent I’d be glad to hold it in my name [since it WAS my idea] and I’ll share the bucks accordingly….I promise. {Note:This serves as public notice that this clever invention is MY idea and if anyone else tries to patent it y’all may be called in to testify}

    In other news, last night a few close friends were over, Scot and Angie, and they informed me as we were sitting around my bar that they were gonna win the lottery. This week it was up to a ridiculous amount, like $168 million or something like that. I asked them what the first thing they were gonna do with their winnings was and without hesitating Angie told me, “We’re gonna buy an island and have a two week long music festival.”
    “A two week long festival? Why so long?”
    “’Cause that’s how long it will take to have all the bands we wanna have.”
    “Who would you be booking for it?”
    “Well, we figure we’d have a few days of country first. We’d start it out with Toby Keith, then after him move on to Willie Nelson, Little Feat, Hank Jr., David Allen Coe, Kenny Chesney, Montgomery Gentry, and Rascal Flatts. Then we’d move into rock by way of Pure Prarie League [who has a new album out WITH Craig Fuller by the way!], Marshall Tucker, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, and then slide into Lynard Skynard, ZZ Top, Bob Seger [who also has a new album] and Sammy Hagar. The festival would end with a combination of metal bands like Metallica and newer bands like Disturbed, Godsmack and Audioslave.”
        “How much would tickets cost for this festival?”
    “That would depend on how much money you got.”
    “Whatcha mean?”
    “Well, you’d have to show how much money you made last year by bringing your last year’s tax forms and we’d charge accordingly.”
    “What kind of camping options would ya have?”
    “Camping? We’d have a luxury hotel built for our guests. And don’t forget since it’s an island everyone would be playin’ on the beaches when they wanted to take a break from the concerts.”
    “Can it be a clothing optional facility?”
    “BUMMER!!!” Then she smacked me in the head.
    “Ouch! Sounds like you guys have been thinking about this for a while.”
    “Ever since we realized we were gonna win the lottery.”
    “And when was that?”
    “A few nights ago. I had me a dream. I even got the lottery numbers in my dream.”
    “What were they?”

    She just smiled then told me I could get in for free. That’s all I really wanted anyway. I got my own dreams: I’m gonna get stinkin’ rich on headband gizmos. Oops! I mean ABATE is.


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