Shootin’ the Breeze
I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about time lately,
probably because when you read this I’ll have retired
from my day job and will be able to devote myself to doin’
whatever I want to do [as long as it doesn‘t cost
money!]. I don’t mean to rub it in yer faces, but
it is kind of a big thing to me. I won’t be wealthy,
but that’s not important anyway. I will have lots
of time. Hell, my columns might even get better. Maybe
I’ll take a writing course or somethin’ and
actually learn to do what I’ve been doin’
all these years.
Speaking of time, often I pull things out of the attic
to tell ya about. They mark special moments in time. Without
these milestones, everything would just be all jumbled
together into one big blur. I’ve spent years in
blurs, but occasionally things do stand out. Like the
time a few friends and myself were out riding and stopped
at an ice cream place next to a minature golf course.....
As we slurped our cones we sat at a picnic table listening
to and watching a woman and her kids playing golf.
“JEREMY!! IF YOU DON’T STOP SCRATCHING YOURSELF
I’M GONNA TAKE A WIREBRUSH TO YOUR BUTTHOLE!!!
Would anyone like some ice cream?”
‘Oh no! She’s bringin’ ‘em over
here!’ I thought. The woman had been yellin’
and screamin’ at a litter of five of the baddest
kids I’ve ever seen. Watchin’ ‘em was
kinda like lookin’ at porn on the internet: Ya might
not like what ya see but ya just can’t stop!
When she bent over to tie somebody’s shoe or somethin’
, Bad Boy Jeremy hit her across the rear end with a putter
so hard she almost fell over. Next thing ya know she’s
chasin’ him all over the mutual parking lot. I about
choked when he sat down on my friend’s hot drag
pipes for about a second before he started screamin’.
We jumped up and started running.
“HEY KID!!! GET OFFA THERE!!!”
would hit me and I’d laugh hysterically. Soon, not
only did they leave me alone, I had the back of the bus
to myself. Though the trip started out being long and
boring, the pace picked up and I didn’t notice the
time slipping by ‘cause I was havin‘ so much
Although I still talk to myself every now and then, that
time was the most productive. I’ve also discovered
that the only people who DON’T talk to themselves
are folks that don’t have anything interesting to
say, so why the hell do they want to hear it? But, once
again the point of all this is time.
Ever notice that any trip seems to take less time on a bike?
I used to travel almost forty miles one way to work, and
in a car I really felt it. But on the scoot it wasn’t
so bad and became a daily eighty mile bike ride that I
looked forward to unless the weather was incredibly bad,
and even then it was an experience rather than just another
drive to work.
This lifestyle that I’ve chosen [and so have most
of you] is one that allows us to feel the pure joy of
the smell of fresh mown grass as we pass. The stars above
you at night are still there twinkling when ya drive a
car, but ya just can’t see ‘em.
Sometimes ya get so caught up in things yer lookin’
at as you travel down the road that ya have to remember
to watch where yer goin’, and before ya know it
you’re at your destination.
That’s also how life is: We get so caught up in paying
attention to the little stuff, we have to remember to
watch where we’re goin’. Things like money,
petty personal problems, whether or not yer car is as
nice as everyone else’s or yer lawn is as well kept
really aren’t as important as yer destination.....where
you wanna be.
I think the trick is to be where ya wanna be, or at least
on yer way....you can still enjoy the ride.
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Then the crazy woman started smackin’ Jeremy on
his butt before we could stop her!
“I think he’s had enough punishment lady!
Those pipes are hot!!” I yelled, then she pulled
down his pants and started freakin’. Jeremy’s
screamin’, the woman’s screamin’, and
me and my buds are still runnin’ across the parking
lot as her other kids start to wander out onto the road
and cars are slammin’ on their brakes.
Finally all the kids are deposited into her Bronco, and
Jeremy is sittin’ on a pillow as the woman takes
her mob on down the road. The whole episode lasted only
a few minutes, but those brief moments seemed to last
much longer than that.
Isn’t that how life is? We’ve
all had accidents or close calls that seem to make time
slow down, like watching a movie in slow motion. I remember
a bike wreck that I know only took a few seconds, but
it seemed to go on and on and on.
Astro physicists tell us that as an
object travels faster, time [for that object] slows down.
I can’t even begin to understand that, but I have
a hard time understanding reality in general, so I gave
up. I look on everyday as an adventure.
I remember a trip I had to make to Detroit back in the
early 70’s. It was winter, my car was broken down
and though it was union business I had to take a public
bus, not being an elected official [they could fly, the
On the bus were recent graduates of a Christian missionary
school. I sat near the back, and since I was the only
longhair on the bus they decided to practice spreading
the word to me enthusiastically.
The trip seemed to be taking forever,
and after trying almost everything to make them leave
me alone, I did the only thing I could think of; I made
farting noises while talking to myself loudly. Occasionally
the humor of the situation