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Shootin’ the Breeze

February 2004

by Bummer

Is it just me or does February seem like the longest month of the year? It’s not near enough to Spring and doesn’t even have any cool holidays goin’ for it. If yer anything like me you find yerself sitting in front of a fan on a stationary bicycle making potato potato noises. I’ve written in the past about how much I like living in Ohio. I do like the changing seasons and I don’t even mind the winters up to a point, but I gotta admit.....February sucks!! Even the name of the month is spelled wrong! What’s up with that extra “R”? By now most of you have decided what yer gonna do with the bike this year [if anything] and yer ready to straddle that seat and go! Yer probably anxious to install whatever parts ya got for Christmas and a few of ya with heated garages might have already done so, but for most of us....we wait. In fact this month is kinda the month for waiting. It’s not really good for anything else. If ya have a honey to cuddle up with it might not be so bad, but for the rest of us.....we wait. If I wasn’t single I might get into the spirit of St. Valentine’s day I guess, but I’m not Catholic and it’s a historical fact that the tradition of giving flowers, cards and candy was invented by the florists, cardmakers and candymakers. I think the tradition should be changed to the giving of meat. If ya really want to impress yer honey give her a nice rump roast or perhaps a few strip steaks. If she’s a vegetarian give her some squash or perhaps zucchini. If she’s not into food maybe she’d like some gardening tools or something like that. The point is don’t let yerself be manipulated by corporate greed. Giving gifts is a great thing, but when they tell ya what to give, well it seems to take away from the whole thing.

The unexpected is what humor is all about. If ya know the ending of a joke, it ceases to be funny. If yer expecting something to happen in a comedy movie you tend not to laugh about it. That’s why we laugh when somebody slips on an icy sidewalk or even if something strikes us as even remotely funny in an inappropriate place, like at a funeral or in church....it’s unexpected. It’s a surprise. The bad thing about surprises is sometimes the unexpected just ain’t good! I remember standing in front of a judge once. I was before him for something that couldn’t be interpreted as funny, yet as that mean old judge lectured me about the error of my ways, I couldn’t keep from chuckling. Don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’ about but it sure seemed funny, even if he didn‘t see the humor of the situation. Needless to say I wasn’t laughing as I was led away, but I sure was surprised! I used to think that a lot of people don’t have a sense of humor [that judge being one of ‘em!], but then I realized that some never smile ‘cause they’re stupid. They just don’t ever get it; “it” being a joke, the humor of any given situation or just life in general. How can anyone not understand that living in this world is a joke? Even God must have a sense of humor or things wouldn’t be the way they are. Of course if yer smilin’ all the time, people REALLY think yer stupid. There’s such a thing as too much of anything. Maybe that’s the answer to living thru this hell called February. Smile all month and people will think yer stupid and treat ya better ’cause they feel sorry for ya, unless yer one of those people who care about what other’s think, then don’t ever smile. Then I”ll think yer stupid.

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I never understood the purpose of greeting cards either. Why send someone a card when ya can just call ‘em on the phone? Better yet, show up on yer sweetie pie’s doorstep and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!!” When she looks like she’s expecting something more, show her yer meat! Wouldn’t she be surprised? I think surprises are so very cool. Often times when giving gifts I wrap up empty boxes in colorful paper and give them to people I really care about. Talk about surprised! They are absolutely bewildered!! I often surprise people by pretending like I’ve forgotten their names. I’ll intoduce someone named “Chuck” as “Barney” and so forth. When it’s someone I’ve known all my life they look at me like I’m insane, but it’s all part of the fun. I forget names all the time anyway, so why not play with it a little? I’ve been DJ’ing a little since I’ve retired and sometimes I intentionally announce the band names or song titles wrong. Like I’ll play a song by AC/DC and say “This one’s gonna be an old one by the Carpenters.....” At first they just think I hit the wrong buttons, but after a while they start goin’ nuts. Also it makes for an interesting evening for the dancers out there. They walk out onto the dance floor and don’t know what the hell they’re gonna be dancin’ to. If the bar owner starts bitchin’, I just turn it up and keep doin’ it. I don’t need his money anyway. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m retired. A few weeks ago I showed up at work, jumped on a forklift and started doin’ my old job just for giggles. I worked in a big plant and a new foreman is in my old area, so when he asked who I was I just told him my name and said I was from a different shift and was working overtime. A while later he came over and said he had no record of it, so I jumped off the truck in anger and screamed, “IF YOU SALARY SLOBS CAN’T KEEP YOUR ACT TOGETHER I’M QUITTING!!” and stormed out. Wanted to do that for over 33 years!